As a life coach, it’s not surprising that January is my busiest month. It’s a time of new beginnings and as people begin to fail at their New Year’s resolutions, my phone rings off the hook.
When I’m working with these new clients, I am asked many of the same questions by gay men who want to explore and expand their lives. In the spirit of giving you a head start, here are some strategies I take them through to help them address a few of the big issues.
What Is The Purpose Of My Life?
Here are 5 steps that are a surefire way to get started:
1. Scour culture for 20 people you admire because of who they are or what they do. Tape their pictures on your bedroom wall and contemplate them every morning and night.
2. Email 20 of your friends and ask them what they think your purpose is.
3. Study pictures of yourself from birth to the pictures still in your camera and identify themes. Are you leading? Are you helping? Are you joking? Are you creating? You get the idea.
4. Write a life purpose statement over and over until it ignites passion every time you read it. Mine is: The purpose of my life is to simplify and amplify lives and have a blast doing it.
5. Print out your final Life Purpose statement and hang it everywhere.
6. Make decisions based on this statement and soon…you will be living your purpose.
Where Is The Love of My Life?
This is the most frequent question I get from clients. I always make sure that a client’s internal house is in order before sending them out into the dating marketplace. But once you’re clean, clear and confident on the inside, pretty much every man becomes a man magnet. Here are some tricks of the trade in getting you relationship ready:
1. List the feelings you want to experience inside a relationship – love, trust, passion, etc.
2. Throw away the list of requirements you have secretly stored in your brain or iPhone – physical, financial or behavioral. 90% of my clients say, “I would never have picked him because he didn’t fit my criteria, but he’s definitely the one.”
3. Always Be Looking – He may be online, but he’s more likely in yoga class, at the DMV or the post office. Learn to flirt and DO NOT cruise. They serve very different purposes.
4. Create a vision board that represents the relationship you want – NOT the man you want. Imagine yourself in that relationship every day as you look at the board.
5. Let go of the “when” and the “how.” Your job is to be clear on the type of relationship you want and to put yourself in the path of as many quality men as you can. Your smiling face and the universe will do the rest.
How Can I Actually Reach My Goals?
There’s a simple model that works very well when setting reachable goals called the S.M.A.R.T. method. When creating goals, make sure each of them is:
1. Specific
Be precise about what you want to achieve, e.g., make $10,000 more this year or have mind-blowing sex 3 times per week.
2. Measurable
You can’t empirically measure the goals “Be happier” or “Worry less.” But you can measure, “Increase my happiness level from 5 to 9 in 3 months by tracking my happiness level in a daily journal.”
3. Actionable
Many clients want other people or an external factor to be different. You can only change your behavior. So create goals that reflect what only you can do.
4. Reasonable
You will not have 6-pack abs in 6 weeks or double your salary in 3 months. Overzealous goals are disheartening. Dream big but work small.
5. Time-Oriented
Every goal (and the individual steps to get there) should be plotted on a calendar. Don’t aspire to “Go to the gym.” Instead, block off time in your calendar to “Go to the gym at 7:30 a.m. Wednesday to do 30 minutes of glutes so I look great naked.”
Regardless of the change you want to make in your life, remember that it takes time, commitment and sometimes a little help to make it all a reality.
Mark Strong is a Certified Professional Coach and the founder of The Gay Life Coach. He specializes in helping gay men explore, enhance and expand their lives. For more information on Mark or on how to become a client, visit www.thegaylifecoach.com or call 646.418.0291.
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